7 years

yesterday my sister and i
gave my mother
her seven year medallion
7 years sober

i could not speak
infront of all those people
at the meeting on the beach
i just stood behind my sister as she spoke
a day i will probally regret
not saying a word

i remember her first day of sobriety
i had a 1 month old daughter
mom came out of her room that morning
in a hospital gown
bandages covering her left arm
neck to wrist

the truck flipped and slid over a mile
my mom's arm scraped against the concrete
after the window broke
airbag burns all over neck and chest
glass still in some wounds from being pulled from the windshield
dont drink and drive people
she fortunatly did not kill anyone

i was mad
because nobody called in the night
to tell me she was in the hospital
how selfish i was
only 7 years ago

she started to attend AA
im sure it was hard
but she never let us know it
she stayed strong for everyone else
im sure she cried at night
or when she was by herself

i have learned a lot from the program (AA)
-one day at a time-
they tell themselves "im not going to drink today"
one day at a time
i used this to quit smoking
everyday i would wake up
"im not going to smoke today"
before i knew it, it had been over a month
but still everyday
im not going to smoke today
one day at a time

-K.I.S.S-
keep it simple stupid
when things get crazy
just keep it simple
one thing at a time
i use this every day

these next two
i just learned over this past weekend
and hope to start applying them

-let go and let god-
i am not religious by most standards
whoever your god or "HIGHER POWER" is
just let go and let god
the rest is in his or her hands
in my case i believe its her
i just need to learn to trust her
with the things that are too big
for me to handle alone

-there is only one day that matters-
TODAY!

i am not in the program
i was lucky enough not to inherit the disease of addiction
but thank god for it
without it i would not have my mom
or sister
and i will continue to use pieces of the program
to make me a better me

congradulations mom
even though i could not say it outloud
i am proud of you

i am running out of steam

i try to think positive
tell myself one day it will happen
but its hard to believe

i picture myself
sitting
chatting
painting

i am starting to think i am crazy
everyone else does

i am not obsessed with celebrities
why do i feel this way?

its more than a need to connect

how do you convince a star
that you are not nutts
not a stalker
but just someone that has
some sort of unexplainable need
to be noticed by them
just to know i exist

i dont even understand it
how can i expect someone else to..

it gets very aggrivating sometimes
always having to defend myself to people

"you'll see".. i say
"i'll meet her one day"

crazy they say..
crazy is ok with me
if i can be crazy and spend just one
day with ro...
it would be well worth being crazy






xoxo

TGIF

boy do i love fridays..
no alarm tomorrow
no work
just family time
maybe some laundry.. =)

i love the new fergie song
maybe its not so new anymore
big girls dont cry
its been on repeat for the last 3 days
love it

that was pretty random..
no creative words or topics are flowing today

ill go before i start to ramble..
have a good weekend whoever reads this




xoxo

changing the format just a little bit....

ok so the point when i started this
was for it to be all ro all the time
but that almost seems stalkerish
so im going to use this blog as an
outlet for whatever i'm thinking
or feeling

maybe ill write more that way

ill start posting pictures
make it more interesting

today i added a box that will let you
comment directly to my myspace page

i wonder if i can somehow link my flickr page
like ro has it.. i dont want this to be a duplicate of
her page but it's alot easier to upload to flickr i think..

so we shall see...

xoxo